My Quest

Lately, for some reason I have been going through a lot of different emotions, balancing out extreme joy at living here in London, with deep melancholy for lack of good friends here and seemingly back in America, but I can't really complain about that as I know there is no way to really stay close a continent and ocean apart. Maybe it is simply because I have some difficult papers to write, due tomorrow before 9:00 am, and haven't started, it being 7:00pm here now. Maybe I am nervous to go to Africa, I am afraid of the extreme poverty I expect to see, the social difficulties, avoiding the diseases, wondering if I'll meet people on my tour whom I'll grow to love and get along with well, or if it will be like here, where I have a lot of shallow friendships built up with people at school, but would not really care if I never talked to any of them again following the exodus from London they will be undergoing. I fear that when I return to the US, that I'll have no one really to return to. This is probably an irrational fear, but it is simply a thought of mine. On the other hand, I believe that when I return I may have a new sense of purpose and appreciation for things. I am hoping that I will write all or at least most of the stories that sit in my head. I hope that I learn how to meet people at places that I can not stand, namely bars and parties. I have learned a lot about myself lately some of it I almost wish I didn't know. Some of what I have learned I am very happy about and make everything seem alright. I guess the thing about all of this, is that though I am in London, and have been here for four months, I have a long long way to go to find what it is I seek.

The first thing I seek is my quest, or redundantly speaking, I seek to know what it is I should seek. That being said, it is assumable that I seek knowledge first. I seek to inspire thoughts that is second but paramount to what I am trying to do. The realization of these things has led me to take my quest a bit further. I want to be ethical, not by a code per se, though I do love codifying things. To be ethical, to be a good human being, someone people can think about after I am gone away from them and think 'now there's a good person.' I realize this is almost an illusion of grandeur, but I am not saying that is how I am, but rather what I want to be like. Another thing I seek is to impress people, I know not why, but throughout my life, I have always had this, and this is the first and only time I have openly admitted it, and the first time I've admitted it to myself out loud, as I generally shun the thought when it comes to me. I wish I didn't feel this way, it is definitely a huge difficulty to deal with, but I do still have this urge to always impress. I also seek to ultimately surround myself with what I deem are the best (and I mean best by way of good-souled and inspiring) people. I always thought that my standards for friends was highly promiscuous and that anyone who so much showed a sign of friendship to me I would openly greet them into my circle of friends. I have learned here that it is really not that easy for me to grant my friendship to just anyone, but that I am open to anyone as being a good person straight away. This said, I know too, that once someone is my friend I would fight tooth and nail for them, and forgive them for any discrepencies against me or others almost immediately. I guess the thing about this is, I give people the benefit of the doubt and therefore give them my open trust with a celerity that is staggering to think about. I do not know if I believe in God or not, but I do know that I quite respect the Christian view of the world, and one thing that stands out to me as very enlightened and worth remembering almost above all else is Jesus' prayer... the Our Father one. I particularly like the line "and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil". That is how I want to run my life and I hope, whether God exists or not that I can do that.

I also seek to find a place to settle down, for though I am travelling like a whale lately (new maritime simile I just made up, use it and let it spread!) I have found that truly I love to be at home, I love the familiar. I don't mind getting familiar with new things, but I prefer to have it there to have comfort. Even when I am on the road or in a city for just one night, I always 'nest' so to speak, I always find greatest comfort in the area I rested my things. It is something I have learned more here than ever before. I do not know what it is about me that does this, but it is something I know I have. This is why that truly I want to find the best place for me to live, to find inspiration, comfort and thoughts with. I want to find this place and to fill it with as much beauty, serenity, and love as I can. If this means casting a few things aside to achieve this, so be it. For my further quest, it will contradict the last thing, but I never want to be so attached to anything that I can't leave it. What I mean is, I seek to rid myself of materialism and addiction. I know I have both badly and it bothers me immensely that I do. For one, I am addicted to the internet, though I hate the thing. I do like it because I can write my thoughts so much, as now. But I still hate it, and the only worth I can find in it really, is the spread of knowledge (through sites like wikipedia) and the communication of people. I like it because as I said it allows me to express my thoughts and to learn much, my two most important aspects of the quest remember, but aside from that I spend too much time looking up and doing useless and boorish rubish, and I want to stop!

I guess in connection with this, I have been thinking about a policy to in theory achieve this end, that is, I intend someday in the very near future to check my email, and basically use the internet (for personal use anyway) no more often than once a month. Whether I can achieve this or not is a different matter. Along these lines, I also never really want to have a cellphone again, I know I'll have mine when I get back to the States for a little while, due to my contract, but after that, I intend to never have one again and only have a main line. I know that it is convenient to have a cell phone, if it wasn't nobody would carry one, but at the same time, I hate my reliance on this sort of technology, I know I am capable of living independently of the internet, television, cell phones, and so on, in fact if I had it my way, I would make sure that I would have no necessity for a car in future, and only would have one for leisure at going out when and where I wanted... and certainly never rushedly. I want to rid myself of my bad health habits too (additionally to my lazy technology ones) I want to stop drinking soda and eat more fruits and vegetables, all the good stuff for me. I want to exercise more, and become as chisled as a Greek god. I once more or less could claim this, and I will reclaim that title as soon as I can. Well, I suppose that concludes this for now, please let me know your thoughts, I am extremely interested to hear them.