The Appearance of Intellectualism

Lately, a phenomenon has occurred to me once again, that has been either a struggle or a benefit throughout my life. What I speak of is that other people on the depth just beneath extreme superficiality see me as some kind of intellectual giant, or nerd I suppose. What signs do I exhibit that show such things to other people? This is becoming a problem, because I remember that even as a child, my grandmother used to feel that I made her feel stupid by my comparative intelligence. While I have no feelings that I am particularly smarter than anyone else (especially at that age), I do feel that I have a manner of making others feel this way and it can be used as either a curse or a blessing. It is a curse in the sense, that it keeps people distant because they feel inferior to you, and therefore they feel bad around you. It can be a blessing because it can intimidate people and keep them from trying to take advantage of you, and it impresses too, which can attract or frighten off potential friends. This is naturally a vast problem for me, because I do not know how I stand with it.

Other instances where this has occurred in my life are as follow in the next series of short anecdotes. When I was a freshman or sophomore in high school, my friend Ryan Slater submitted to me the idea that I could have developed in him, an inferiority complex because he, like my grandmother and probably others who are less vocal about such things, felt stupid by my overbearing intellectualism. At the time, I was honoured by this, and in fact, took pride by it, a foolish move. I should not take pride in much, and to make others feel bad and feel good for doing so, is juvenile and beneath me. Another instance, and this is the one that brought it to my attention most recently is yesterday, I was taking a break at my job at Ball, and I let out some of my specialised linguistic knowledge, concerning the phenomenon of intensifying adverbs. I tried to relate to all around the table (which was four by myself) that this was specialised information taught to linguists. I continued then by suggesting other forms of these adverbs such as 'very' 'really' and 'fucking' this more than anything arrested their attention at the mention of 'fuck'. They all sat there stunned that I would say anything of a remotely vulgar nature like that. By and large, they seemed awed by my deep wealth of vocabulary, but also this projected into their minds, I have little doubt, a feeling of some sort of vast intellectual nature I possessed that they could not dream of themselves acquiring. This saddens me, because I do not feel that I am privy to some sort of intellect far superior to theirs, and I tried to suggest to them, that it was as shallow as the language I used, that I was only more articulate or perhaps more familiar with language not as used in the vulgate sense as they were used to, but that it did not necessarily mean anything to do with more substance or deeper universal understandings.

After this comment, it was pointed to my attention that the substance I insisted was not there for me, beyond what they themselves had, was in fact there, and that I did in fact probably possess a great deal of depth and thought that would be worthy of being called this supposed intellectual giant they thought me to be. This baffles and even embarrasses me because, I can not think that all humans at almost all times do not think a great deal. I am sure it is only more pronounced or over more analytic subjects for myself if I am indeed different at all. I do not think all people are near equality in most fields, but mentally, I am of the opinion that we are all within reach of each other. I am firmly convinced that most people who work at Ball are within equality range to me in the area of intellect. This pushes me to ask many other questions though, as why is it that it sticks out for me to be such an intellectual over anyone else? Furthermore, why has it always been such a push for me and my family to try and achieve intellectualism so heavily? Where do these genes come from, if it is not learned? Why are so few other people as obsessed with their intelligence as I am?

Why is it that, Andy tries so hard at school, and seems fairly intellectual is not given the credit for his cognition and such as I am? Kevin suggests that he has a lower intelligence than I do, and Andy suggests the same of Kevin, but neither of them (at least not to me) ever suggest anything stupid about me. It is funny, I think they feel that since my intellect is so high, that I must naturally be lacking in other areas, but those who are more intimate with me, can see that this is not always so. Take for example my body: I have a very fit and defined body, and both Andy and Kevin know this, and I think they feel it is far superior to their own, I feel this is a horrible way of maintaining a friendship. Having so many things going for you, and not much going for your friends (at least not as much) could be devastating to their own esteems. I know this journal entry must sound terribly conceited, but that is the privilege of keeping it private. I do not feel I am superior to many or at least not very superior to anyone in anyway substantially, yet I am afraid that if their perceptions maintain the stance I am, it could be a great blessing or curse to me, so that is why I must figure out how to use it as a blessing and avoid the curse of it.