Changes, Worries and Hope

I just need to update this... it seems that lately I have been bogged down by loads of work and as true as this is, I need to mention a few points and thoughts that I have been having lately. The truth is, I am feeling genuinely strange lately, so antsy about what's going to become of me, wondering how I'll do when I get back to the US, I simply don't know. I won't be there for long, but I feel in many ways I'll be so different and in many other ways I'll be so much the same, more than I was before. I miss many people, will I miss anyone here? I know I'll miss the lifestyle in many ways, the creativity it inspired the boom of life it aroused. I listen to things like my new Rammstein CD and I just feel in a different realm. I wonder if I should get a new tattoo, but let's face it, I won't. I am trying to answer the question of if I was born under a wandrin' star or if I am a homebody, I truly don't know. I like having my safe haven, but simultaneously, I need to see new things all the time, I am constantly searching for something or someone. I await answers to life that simply will not present themselves, and I am wondering if I have the strength and fortitude of character to seek and understand them. I feel at this stage I can handle most any situation thrown at me, or at least most plausible ones. I have a greater faith in humanity, and a greater distrust and dislike of it in some ways. I love my friends, but I wonder if any of them truly miss me or care that I am away. I know these thoughts are disturbing, and I know that the answers will likely be more disturbing still. I have found myself to be a far more solitary figure here than I ever anticipated I would be. I love it to death, being independent, but I loath and fear it too, was I meant to be alone, it feels like it sometimes. Does anyone understand or care about what I am saying? I understand if you don't.

I feel that I am a better person, and incidentally today is a very bittersweet day for me. My last day of college classes, as far as I know, ever! I have just completed my last class of my education, a four and a half year process. Really though, it is far far longer than that, if you consider my first day of kindergarten, which I still do recall... that happened in September of 1988, and here it is in December of 2005, and I am about to walk out of a classroom as a student for the very last time in a week (finals). What do I have to show for it, you may ask? My life... it has shaped me in every conceivable way, maybe not the education itself, but being a student during the course of my time. 17.25 years in all! This is how long I have waited to be delivered from this system, I suppose officially, it won't technically happen until May, but even so, I'll know I am no longer a student, I feel that way almost now. Am I sad? Yes and no. Is this entry worth writing? You be the judge. I just hope that my life will improve tremendously, in the quality of my character and the environment in which I find myself. A student no more, life is going far too quickly, I want to pluck every advantage and ability I can from it, it is hard though. I fear. Yes, I fear and I fear the unknown most. I know this may sound very dramatic, and it is, but that is because it dawned on me in the last two days that my life as I know it, is in a large sense very different now, or it will be very shortly. Soon, I'll be on the teaching end (in theory) but not the learning, although some will argue that one is always learning even as a teacher... and while this is true, the formal instruction no longer applies. I am now an adult 23, I feel somewhat like an adult, but also not much at all. Well, I'm late to my last concert. My heart open for anyone to spy upon, should they so wish it...