Overcoming Fear

Today at work, I was considering something very grave to me, and something that has caused me much worry in the past. This subject is my own success or lack thereof. I thought of my brother Marc, he is much like me in most ways, but only more so. He is extremely intelligent, but he is far more successful than I am. I grant some allowance for this must be due to the fact that he is older than I am by six years, but all the same, he has a better mentality in gaining what he wants. Marc right now, is working on his PhD in computer science with an emphasis on cognitive science. This to me is an extraordinary thing to work for, and I wonder how it is he does so well at such things, and not I. Then a thought occurred to me, that seemed to make all the difference in the world. Marc has never known fear in his life that I can remember. Whenever a whim of any sort suited him, he would immediately persist in doing it, no matter what the cost. This did have devastating results for him on occasion, and landed him in a fair amount of trouble, but by and large his blind courage has put him in the hands of success far more often than it had ever hindered him.

When you look at me in comparison to him, it is somewhat shaming. I dwell in fear and worry and angst, and so become paralysed because of it. I am always afraid that I am going to do the wrong thing, or that someone won't like me that I have been ever accommodating to people, or I wait until the very last possible minute to do school work in fear of doing it wrong. I used to think I was lazy, but now I am less convinced of that, and need to work upon overcoming my fear. On the rare occasions that I do deny my frights and take risks and chances it generally pays off very well for me. It was because of my bravery that I met my angel Alyssa. She was sitting in a class with a British lunch box near her, and it intrigued me enough to ask her about it, and that started what I would deem my best relationship with another person to date. My fear inhibits me from making telephone calls to people I do not know, for fear of sounding like a moron, or it prevents me from complaining when my food is not right at a restaurant and it gives a deeper sense of resentment toward that restaurant for not knowing better. It makes me angry at other drivers on the road for not going the speed limit or faster, because I fear I will be late to work, and that bothers me (that one is harder to overcome).

I am always so afraid I will say or do something stupid that it causes me to actually say and do stupid things. One problem I have is that I do not enunciate my voice so that many can hear me, and I believe this again is a by-product of fear, because I am afraid that whatever I have to say will only solicit looks of confusion. It has happened often throughout my life, and so I am not surprised that may be the result. Apparently, I will generally say things that are so off base with everyone else's common experiences that the obscure things I do say just confuse them. I am so sick and tired of being afraid, I need to learn to worry less, and to act more, I know I am a smart capable person, I just wish I trusted in my own judgment more.