Some of My Flaws

"Am I a bad person because of my flaws?", I have been asking myself lately, and the conclusion I inevitably come to is that yes I am in many ways. I have many good parts as well, but to say that I do not have grievous faults in connection with this would be a flat out lie. This is not in the least to excuse myself for my actions, I do not want anyone to think that. It is more to see this as a realistic view of myself.

I am a bad person in that I have faults concerning my sexual curiosity, and moreover my lack of regard for the feelings of others upon the same subject. Am I upset by this flaw of mine? In the way it hurts people, yes I am very much upset by it, but; as to the attitude itself, I do not see it as always bad. Of course there are parts of it I would loathe whether it hurt people or not, namely that it adds conflict between my conscience and my desires. This conflict is between my exploration and my need for conservative stable moral standpoints. I do not want the desire to keep searching for things even after I know I had found the best, but there is sometimes something inside of me that is insistent in this search in spite of that. It does not appear as often as anyone would think, or as often as my words suggest, but it does appear sometimes. I wish it did not, things would remain far simpler if it did not. I have this problem not only concerning people either, for it is very noticeably present in my extreme materialism, and the search to always find the best stuff.

Other flaws of mine, include my wavering stance upon things, and as always the hypocrisy of me. It is funny, and I do not think that it is at all wise to share this with anyone, but in a recent epistle to me, Alyssa writes 'One thing I have learned is NO ONE treats Jason Pickett how he treats people.' I have never found any criticism to be more accurate of myself than this, and I am grateful that these problems (going on at the time I wrote this) at least gave Alyssa the gumption to tell me this. Again this is a deep flaw of mine and it is nothing I take any pride in. Am I upset by the fact that this is true, certainly, but in many ways I do not know that I find it something completely necessary to reject. Obviously my use and stance upon the 'Golden Rule' is skewed from the norm of society. I am not equal in my treatment and reception thereof, and it is bad to be inconsistent. The thing that more catches my attention on this subject is that it seems to work. I am not saying it will always work, or that I think it should, but it does and that stuns me.

A thought does cross my mind upon this subject that makes me think of it as more plausible to work, though I really could not conclude if it is the reason it does for certain. I feel that in many ways it works because what I would deem to be my attributes compensate for it. This is to say, I think I am very generous with my time, (what I think is a) lack of judgment toward others, and perhaps overall bearing of confidence, in addition to extreme caring for others and generosity toward them of any resources I am able to donate. I do not know if these are the qualities others see in me, or if I am simply thinking too highly of myself, but they are qualities I think I possess to some extent anyway. I am well aware of my flaws and I try to be less noticing of others' (especially when they are not pressed to me in their annoyance). In this way it bothers me that I have flaws and in this situation, they could be (or perhaps already are) completely detrimental to me.

The original text continued to talk about the situation I was in during the time that I wrote this. The actual doings are irrelevant now, but they were the inspiration for this article.